Saiyan L and the Monsterball Part 3

Internet, I believe that it's about time that I finished my scathingly loving commentary on my pilgrimage to Monster Ball, NYC. Now, I'm not going to take all of the credit for this....but I will point out that the delay between part 2 and part 3 of my journey was timed in such a way that part 3 coincided with Lady Gaga's birthday. In other words, the delay was completely planned, I am awesome and I will be sticking to that story. Yes. Now, I suggest grabbing a coffee or whatever substance you use to keep you awake because this will be a long post. I will wait for you to return. Go on~

*    *    *    *    *    *    *   *    *

Back? Excellent. So without further ado Internet, strap yourself into a time machine because we will be returning to a certain rainy day in January. If breaking the time-space boundary causes you to feel the sudden urge to evacuate your stomach, please do so in an appropriate trash receptacle as gastric content does not like to come out of leather upholstery!

January 28th 2010

Above, we have the classic, "HEY LOOK MA! I WAS REALLY THERE!" picture of Radio City's exterior.  Yeah... not much to say about this picture except that it sucked waiting outside in the cold and drizzling rain. Oh! Actually, I did learn that a platinum blonde wig makes for an excellent rain shield.

Here, we have the wonderful interior of Radio City. I took this picture from the second floor while waiting for Lady Gaga to make her appearance on stage.

She had not one, but two opening acts. Now, initially I felt bad for them because, hey, how do you even possibly upstage Gaga right? Oh, Internet, that feeling disappeared, the minute the first act (whose name I refuse to type out the off chance that this will gain them further exposure) started playing. They played songs with scholarly lyrics such as, "Sticky with champagne, it's okay, it's your birthday." I could almost feel my brain cells liquefy and slowly fill my ventricles. If this sounds harsh to you, the part of my brain that knows how to be nice died that night. Even with two opening acts, Gaga took her sweet time getting on the stage. At one point, I believe Radio City started playing the radio and.. of course, of all the music that could have been playing, it was Miley Cyrus. More ventricular filling!!

When Gaga finished her martini her stage was finally set up, it was pretty incredible. The whole crowd transformed from lifeless zombies to rabid Twilight fan girls who have been told Robert Pattinson will be conducting an underwear signing. Now, I must apologize in advance for the low quality of some of these pictures as I was sitting rather far away from the stage.

She opened up with one of my personal favorite songs, "Dance in the Dark" wearing... this.

Haute Couture. Or to use layman's terms, white Christmas lights. Actually, I thought this was a rather literal costume. She's dancing in the dark... so she's going to wear eye blinding halogen lights so she doesn't trip over something... like the electrical wire she's plugged into to keep the lights on. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.

Her next song was "Just Dance" and was accompanied by a costume change. If you look in the photo to the left, she is in some kind of cube contraption. Now, I read somewhere after the show that the concept for Monsterball was evolution and that the cube pictured above, is supposed to represent a cell. Forgive me, but as a Biology major, I can NOT help but wonder what the fuck cell is perfectly cube shaped.

Now, if memory serves me correctly, she was singing "Monster" when she was wearing this.  

Yay for a super close up that turned out fairly well!

She was actually relatively tame in terms of costumes during this song... Her back up dancers on the other hand....

The phrase what the hell comes to mind. They are monsters with Ken's eerily smooth crotch!

Actually, for me, the first thought that I had was... Does Gaga watch Bleach or something because those costumes have a pretty striking resemblance to....

....this sexy beast. Straight down to the crotch detail.

No? Is that too much of a stretch?

I am still alive.

Hello...? Is anyone still there? Oh who gives two shits about subtlety, Internet, Saiyan L is back.

I could lie, as I am prone to doing, but for once I won't. During my extended absence, I was unable to achieve enlightenment and now I spend my days staring contemptuously at the masses. Psh, as if you need enlightenment to do that right? ... Okay, so I ended up being only 14% truthful.
I may not have actually had any life changing revelations BUT what I can say is that I have added two new skills to my repertoire. Along with pro toilet unclogging, I am now an expert champagne bottle opener and master of pimp slapping bottle caps off. Twistable bottle caps be damned, you WILL be smacked open!

Ah, Internet, it is truly nostalgic starting to blog again. I have missed my blog/lovechild dearly. I can offer you a pretty colorful story about my absence.  Surprisingly, it didn't involve my ear's addiction to alcohol and questionable drugs. No, Internet, this time it was Twitter. That website is what I like to think of as a indecisive black hole. Initially you are both standing there staring at each others digitized eyes, but then just when you think you're bored with it, the black hole goes mmkay, I've decided to keep you as my prison betch! Next thing you know, you cannot escape, you can only cry at all the wasted hours of your life where you could have been writing that dissertation. Or winning the Nobel peace prize. Preferably both.

Also College probably had something to do with my absence. Despite the fact that I'm graduating in... 6 weeks (!?!) I have a pretty annoying work load thanks to the Experimental Physiology lab I'm taking. Let it be known that this class is NOT as cool as it sounds. In fact it is the bane of my existence. I have been forced to spend too many hours of my life with crayfish. Now, I've never had problems with crayfish before. They are to lobsters what Shetland ponies are to purebred Stallions: small, relatively harmless and apparently loved by little girls everywhere.

See? Pictured above is darling photogenic little crayfish L. He just wants to live an honest life free of substances and live as Jesus dictated. Cute right? Do not be deceived. Crayfish are vicious. Normally their acts of aggression are pretty ignorable in the same way an ant trying to be threatening is ignorable... except ignoring the crayfish wasn't exactly an option. Every time I had to pick up those fuckers lovable creatures of God, they would rear up with their pincers raised at 90 degree angles to their bodies ready to fight crime and the forces of evil, also known as my fingers.

Long story short, crayfish are now on my shit list of things that must be destroyed right behind the inappropriately orange Elmer Holmes Bobst Library. Fuu. Deep breath. In conclusion, I have returned.