Saiyan L and the Monsterball Part 3

Internet, I believe that it's about time that I finished my scathingly loving commentary on my pilgrimage to Monster Ball, NYC. Now, I'm not going to take all of the credit for this....but I will point out that the delay between part 2 and part 3 of my journey was timed in such a way that part 3 coincided with Lady Gaga's birthday. In other words, the delay was completely planned, I am awesome and I will be sticking to that story. Yes. Now, I suggest grabbing a coffee or whatever substance you use to keep you awake because this will be a long post. I will wait for you to return. Go on~

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Back? Excellent. So without further ado Internet, strap yourself into a time machine because we will be returning to a certain rainy day in January. If breaking the time-space boundary causes you to feel the sudden urge to evacuate your stomach, please do so in an appropriate trash receptacle as gastric content does not like to come out of leather upholstery!

January 28th 2010

Above, we have the classic, "HEY LOOK MA! I WAS REALLY THERE!" picture of Radio City's exterior.  Yeah... not much to say about this picture except that it sucked waiting outside in the cold and drizzling rain. Oh! Actually, I did learn that a platinum blonde wig makes for an excellent rain shield.

Here, we have the wonderful interior of Radio City. I took this picture from the second floor while waiting for Lady Gaga to make her appearance on stage.

She had not one, but two opening acts. Now, initially I felt bad for them because, hey, how do you even possibly upstage Gaga right? Oh, Internet, that feeling disappeared, the minute the first act (whose name I refuse to type out the off chance that this will gain them further exposure) started playing. They played songs with scholarly lyrics such as, "Sticky with champagne, it's okay, it's your birthday." I could almost feel my brain cells liquefy and slowly fill my ventricles. If this sounds harsh to you, the part of my brain that knows how to be nice died that night. Even with two opening acts, Gaga took her sweet time getting on the stage. At one point, I believe Radio City started playing the radio and.. of course, of all the music that could have been playing, it was Miley Cyrus. More ventricular filling!!

When Gaga finished her martini her stage was finally set up, it was pretty incredible. The whole crowd transformed from lifeless zombies to rabid Twilight fan girls who have been told Robert Pattinson will be conducting an underwear signing. Now, I must apologize in advance for the low quality of some of these pictures as I was sitting rather far away from the stage.

She opened up with one of my personal favorite songs, "Dance in the Dark" wearing... this.

Haute Couture. Or to use layman's terms, white Christmas lights. Actually, I thought this was a rather literal costume. She's dancing in the dark... so she's going to wear eye blinding halogen lights so she doesn't trip over something... like the electrical wire she's plugged into to keep the lights on. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.

Her next song was "Just Dance" and was accompanied by a costume change. If you look in the photo to the left, she is in some kind of cube contraption. Now, I read somewhere after the show that the concept for Monsterball was evolution and that the cube pictured above, is supposed to represent a cell. Forgive me, but as a Biology major, I can NOT help but wonder what the fuck cell is perfectly cube shaped.

Now, if memory serves me correctly, she was singing "Monster" when she was wearing this.  

Yay for a super close up that turned out fairly well!

She was actually relatively tame in terms of costumes during this song... Her back up dancers on the other hand....

The phrase what the hell comes to mind. They are monsters with Ken's eerily smooth crotch!

Actually, for me, the first thought that I had was... Does Gaga watch Bleach or something because those costumes have a pretty striking resemblance to....

....this sexy beast. Straight down to the crotch detail.

No? Is that too much of a stretch?

I am still alive.

Hello...? Is anyone still there? Oh who gives two shits about subtlety, Internet, Saiyan L is back.

I could lie, as I am prone to doing, but for once I won't. During my extended absence, I was unable to achieve enlightenment and now I spend my days staring contemptuously at the masses. Psh, as if you need enlightenment to do that right? ... Okay, so I ended up being only 14% truthful.
I may not have actually had any life changing revelations BUT what I can say is that I have added two new skills to my repertoire. Along with pro toilet unclogging, I am now an expert champagne bottle opener and master of pimp slapping bottle caps off. Twistable bottle caps be damned, you WILL be smacked open!

Ah, Internet, it is truly nostalgic starting to blog again. I have missed my blog/lovechild dearly. I can offer you a pretty colorful story about my absence.  Surprisingly, it didn't involve my ear's addiction to alcohol and questionable drugs. No, Internet, this time it was Twitter. That website is what I like to think of as a indecisive black hole. Initially you are both standing there staring at each others digitized eyes, but then just when you think you're bored with it, the black hole goes mmkay, I've decided to keep you as my prison betch! Next thing you know, you cannot escape, you can only cry at all the wasted hours of your life where you could have been writing that dissertation. Or winning the Nobel peace prize. Preferably both.

Also College probably had something to do with my absence. Despite the fact that I'm graduating in... 6 weeks (!?!) I have a pretty annoying work load thanks to the Experimental Physiology lab I'm taking. Let it be known that this class is NOT as cool as it sounds. In fact it is the bane of my existence. I have been forced to spend too many hours of my life with crayfish. Now, I've never had problems with crayfish before. They are to lobsters what Shetland ponies are to purebred Stallions: small, relatively harmless and apparently loved by little girls everywhere.

See? Pictured above is darling photogenic little crayfish L. He just wants to live an honest life free of substances and live as Jesus dictated. Cute right? Do not be deceived. Crayfish are vicious. Normally their acts of aggression are pretty ignorable in the same way an ant trying to be threatening is ignorable... except ignoring the crayfish wasn't exactly an option. Every time I had to pick up those fuckers lovable creatures of God, they would rear up with their pincers raised at 90 degree angles to their bodies ready to fight crime and the forces of evil, also known as my fingers.

Long story short, crayfish are now on my shit list of things that must be destroyed right behind the inappropriately orange Elmer Holmes Bobst Library. Fuu. Deep breath. In conclusion, I have returned.

Saiyan L and the Monsterball Part 2

Internet, I apologize for the 3 day delay between posts. I had to make a rather unfruitful roundtrip home that was filled with surprise snow which is almost like surprisebuttsex but probably much less painful. Anyway on with the show!

I received this ticket in my email a while back after paying the money laundering company Ticketmaster an additional ten dollars for whatever shady reason they felt like they deserved it for.  Since they won't tell anyone what the reason is, I'm going to assume it's because they're making a secret trust fund for me.

And before you ask, Yes I did receive it poorly Photoshopped for my protection and maximal pleasure. It is also latex free. 

It was also extremely difficult to obtain. Internet I will not lie to you, the knowledge that a teenage girl and or fully grown gay man shed tears because they could not get their hands on this piece of overpriced paper makes me smile. To anyone who says this is mean, bite me I had to get up at 7AM on a random Saturday morning to get it. Actually please don't bite me, bite Near_by. He's more tender and probably tastes less like whatever an amorphous hag tastes like.

ANYWAY moving right along. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a slight flair for the ridiculous. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was probably the first understatement I have made on this blog. I HAD to go to this concert dressed up. And so it was several hours of plastic surgery, vats of make up, a sex change, psychiatric counseling, disownment by my parents, a world war, and a blonde wig later...I transformed from this...

To THIS.

Note: Individual results may vary from person to person. And also I suppose, behold the appearance of Saiyan L's new face? 

Now I apologize but I'm going to have to continue this tomorrow as the full retelling of this particular adventure will be rather long and I am starting to fall asleep on the keys. Until then....

Saiyan L and the Monsterball Part 1.

Internet, if I hadn't said this enough times via Twitter, Facebook and telepathy I went to go see Lady Gaga at Radio City today. In fact, I just returned and let me say this.. it was pretty damn awesome. Everything from my dressing up to attending the actual event was a nice little dopamine rush. Lady Gaga is a great singer and that is all I will say about her as I don't want to use this blog as a medium to plug any one person besides myself. KIDDING. But in all seriousness though, I will be judging the Monsterball with my saber-like words, hawk eyes and not so great camera. As it is late however, and rather unfortunately I have that cursed thing called class early tomorrow morning, I will have to tell you all about this in greater detail later. And yes, There will be photos. Lots of them!

The Other Rather Boring Individual

Internet, I have been co-erced into answering a series of pointless and uninteresting questions because NearBy is convinced that the idea is genius. I am convinced that this is all just an elaborate hoax to check our compatibility so Real could ask me out.


Why were you given your particular name?
Well when mommy and daddy met....Oh wait! There's an entire blogpost devoted to this here.

What is your favorite thing to do?
Thinking of creative ways to waste my time such as creating blueprints for unbuildable buildings and making plans to launch a new perfume line that smells so foul it repels everybody who smells it within a 25 meter radius. This perfume will be guaranteed to find your soul mate. After all, who else could possibly tolerate the smell!? Eau de Soul Mate Finder! IT SHALL SUCCEED IMMENSELY.

What is your favorite food?
Anything and everything that is candy. My brain is a hungry hungry bastard.

What is your favorite book?
Anything that involves the life stories of cruel and unusual tyrants and dictators. Also possibly Machiavelli's "The Prince." I am inspired by those individuals when I exercise my firm iron control over my internal organs.

What is your favorite candy bar?
There is no such thing as candy bar prejudice. Candy makes the world go round!

What is your favorite cookie?
Black and White cookies. They are vaguely cake-like and also have tons of tooth friendly icing on them.

What is your favorite sport?
Spoon lifting. I am a 3 time Olympic Gold Medal Recipient. Here I am below practicing.

What is your favorite kind of music?
A combination of electropop and rock music. Basically anything that will cause me to go deaf by the time I reach the tender age of 23.

What is your favorite song?
The sweet sweet sound of the Asian voice in my brain screaming at me to do my homework dwindling down in a perfect decrescendo. Or Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. Whichever is on first.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
A Crayola color namer. Think of the possibilities! Blister Pink! Gross Drosophila Eye Maroon! Infected Pus Green! NYC Subway Rat Pelt Brown!

How many kids do you want when you get married?
HAHAHA Married. Right. We'll see who gets married. Hint: It will not be me.

What is your favorite temple?
Who the hell asks this kind of question in the 21st century? I'm going to pretend this stupid question was never asked.

What place would you like to visit?
Santa's workshop. Or Narnia. Or Hogwarts. All of those choices sound excellent.

What is your favorite thing about your mom?
My favorite thing about Raptress Jesus is that we never argued. She snarled and I hid under the table.

What is your favorite thing about your dad?
Same logic goes for my father too. I disagreed, he fired rounds into the wall next to my face. I stopped arguing.

What is your favorite thing about yourself?
Where should I even begin?! I love well pretty much everything about myself.

Do you like to sing?
LOUDLY.

Do you like to dance?
If dancing involves flailing my arms and spazzing around like an Anime character on crack then absolutely. Even better if I flail too hard and poke someone in the eye. I am particularly skilled at Carameldansen and Hare Hare Yukai.

What musical instruments can you play?
Bah. Musical instruments exist to make me feel small and untalented.

What is your favorite type of art?
Not modern art. It makes absolutely no fucking sense and yet everyone praises it. The only viable explanation is that everyone in the world got some sort of brain implant that tricks them into thinking that Jackson Pollock's paintcrap actually looks like a Renoir. Clearly my parents didn't love me enough to save me from the torture.

Have you ever seen a broadway musical? Do you like theater?
Yes and I realized that there is a theme common to every single show. The main character has some sort of angsty problem and through the power of singing, dancing and costume changing, ALL of their problems miraculously disappear. Actually I think I kind of like that take home message.

Do you like building things?
Oh god no. Building things takes time and concentration. I prefer doing things that can be finished the night before its due.

What would you like to learn about cars?
I would like to know if there is a correlation between expensiveness of cars and amount of overcompensation. My inclination is yes.

What would you like to teach others about?
I don't know that I would be a good teacher. I think I would lose patience and then proceed to terrify my students and make them all my slaves.

What are three adjectives which describe you?
Insane? Hilarious? Descriptive? Or maybe 3 words just doesn't quite cover my rather....interesting personality.

How would your friend describe you to someone who has never seen you?
Good question. Internet, let me know in a comment or something.

What do you want to be doing in five years?
I wanted to be a grasper of the future and hopefully my future will have been grasped.

What do you want to be doing in ten years?
Blogging full time and polluting the minds of young children with my psychobabble.

What are your favorite subjects in school?
Anything that fed my vacuum cleaner like curiosity, mostly dust and spiderwebs.

When you have an hour of free time, what do you like to do?
Absolutely nothing. I like the crazy shit that goes on in my head.

What is your favorite movie?
Don't really have one. I enjoy movies but don't really have a favorite. I did see Avatar recently and I fervently hope that there will be no intergalactic smurf smut.

What is the strangest thing you ever did?
Oh its called something along the lines of attending NYU, becoming a Biology major and then losing my sanity in the process. Oh wait that was just a nightmare.

What is the strangest food you ever ate?

Crocodile. From what I remember it tasted like a weird chicken. Like chicken only porkier. But recently I ate a bizarre chocolate pudding masquerading as a giant shiny turd with banana slices on top.

Yes, those dots you see in the picture are not artifacts of poor picture taking technique. Those are flakes of glitter that were placed strategically to either stimulate the appetite or to blind the consumer. Internet, I just want to know... Is there a demographic of people that I just haven't encountered yet that secretly enjoy having shiny poo in the morning?

Behold a Completely Uninteresting Person!

Dear Denizens of the Interwebs,

This blogpost right here marks the first appearance of Real, aka NearBy, but also known as the saner, less crazy-drug addicted counterpart of Saiyan L. So I'm writing right now because I had this kind of great idea for Saiyan L and myself to fill out one of those "get to know you" personality things so that you, the Internet, can get a better idea of who we are. So without further ado, I shall begin with my portion. Here goes.

Why were you given your particular name?

I got the name Real, because of my tendency to drift back to reality. As for the nickname, NearBy, I have no idea. Saiyan L just gave it to me. Don't want to question the crazy person. 

What is your favorite thing to do?
Listen to music and doodle.

What is your favorite food?
Noodle-y things, ex. Pad Thai, Ramen noodles, Pasta

What is your favorite book?
The Genealogy of Morals by Nietzsche. Also I would highly recommend Mutants by Armand Leroi.

What is your favorite candy bar?
Twix! Does chocolate even count as candy or does it have to be things like Skittles? I despise them skittles.
*Edit Saiyan L: You're ridiculous.*

What is your favorite cookie?
Chocolate chip. The classic cookie.

What is your favorite sport?
Sports + Me = catastrophe.

What is your favorite kind of music?
Generally I tend to listen to everything.

What is your favorite song?
Changes frequently though recently I've been addicted to the Ocean theme of the Windwaker.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Aiming high, a neurosurgeon

How many kids do you want when you get married?
An odd number so one will always be left out. Just kidding. Or am I?

What is your favorite temple?
The golden temple in Kyoto is a pretty awesome temple actually (See below)

What place would you like to visit?
Paris, Prague, Berlin. Many European cities. I've never been and would like to go one day.

What is your favorite thing about your mom?
She's supportive.

What is your favorite thing about your dad?
Also supportive. Yes I am being rather boring and vague.

What is your favorite thing about yourself?
I guess I can be smart at times...

Do you like to sing?
Haha, it's a great stress reliever. 

Do you like to dance?
....when no ones looking.

What musical instruments can you play?
Piano and violin.
*Edit Saiyan L: God You are such an unbelievably stereotypical Asian it makes me want to facepalm until my hands are raw and hemorrhaging.*

What is your favorite type of art?
I know nothing about art except that sometimes it is pretty and other times just bizarre.

Have you ever seen a broadway musical? Do you like theater?
I go to college in NYC, of course I've seen broadway musicals. I strongly recommend Avenue Q.

Do you like building things?
Yes. Building endless towers of dice and legos is my hobby.

What would you like to learn about cars?
Nothing except maybe for how they could possibly generate enough speed to separate me from Saiyan L once in a while.

What would you like to teach others about?
The joys of maintaining a constantly deadpan expression and always taking things VERY SRSLY.

What are three adjectives which describe you?
Calm, rational and mature.

How would your friend describe you to someone who has never seen you?
Quote Saiyan L: "Someone who DESPERATELY needs a life."
Internet, you can't see my expression but I am devastated by that comment.

What do you want to be doing in five years?
Hopefully I'll be done with med school and in my first year of residency.

What do you want to be doing in ten years?
Hopefully still in possession of my medical license and practicing on unsuspecting victims, I mean, patients.

What are your favorite subjects in school?
Anything that involves the microscale, ex. molecules, cells, proteins. Dislikes: planets.

When you have an hour of free time, what do you like to do?
Play with creepy finger puppets and maybe read some books.

What was your favorite movie?
I wouldn't say I have a favorite movie but The Dark Knight was particularly memorable.

What is the strangest thing you ever did?
Agree to write this blog with Saiyan L.

What is the strangest food you ever ate?
I lived in China at one point, I don't really want to know all the weird foods I may have inadvertently eaten.


AND DONE!

The Last Semester: Saiyan L vs Brain

Internet, my face is telling me not to go to school. Yes, you read that right, my face. Overnight, giant welts of acne like the dark red spot on the surface of Jupiter have erupted onto my face like they are terrorists or something. Face terrorists that demand that I do not go to school because sleeping is a most wondrous activity. But let it be known that Saiyan L does not give in to the demands of terrorists. I indeed went to class and almost immediately felt like an uneducated prat during Developmental Biology where my brilliant answer to the question "Devise an experiment to test if a terminally differentiated cell is toti-potent" was HUH. My brain of course, being a very clever bastard decided that that moment was the best time to tell me the answer in interpretive dance. I was a very unhappy camper.