Back To Work But First...

Internet, I have been awful at keeping my blog lovechild updated with all of my escapades and doings in the world and for that I sincerely apologize. Put simply, the wrap up to this semester at NYU was like trying to clamber up an angry seizing rhinoceros's back and then standing on one leg while wearing a stiletto heel. I was tired, addicted to caffeine, and then severely lacking on sleep. About a week after the semester has officially ended, I am all better now! I've kicked the caffeine addiction just in time for 2010, I am well rested and ready to kick some verbal ass! Caffeine withdrawal, by the way, gives you these really bitching headaches kinda like how it would feel if people were stamping on your brain like they do for grapes when making wine only much less fun sounding. Take home message? Don't do drugs kids!

So... Where to begin with my slew of updates? Well I suppose, I should start with a clarification. As I never really concluded my suburbia segment, I should really start by mentioning the fact that between my last update and this current one, I had returned to NYC where I had absolutely no fun whatsoever. I was completely tethered down to work namely, 2 papers, 1 midterm and 3 finals over the span of 3 weeks. To those of you who are confused by the fact that I had a midterm during the final week of school, know that I was also equally confused but had no way to reason with my arch-nemesis Fake Jesus. Not to be confused with Raptress Jesus. There is much to be said about my long drawn out battle with Fake Jesus and our historical fight, "Saiyan L & The 1632 Battle of Logicians" will probably need an entire blog devoted to its full re-telling.

But anyway, I digress. My list of crap to do when I got back to college was exhaustive. Hence the lack of updates which I am once again, apologetic about. But anyway, I'm now done with a rather heinous semester and am back at home in suburbia land. I've learned from my past idiocies and I will be preferentially taking planes home to Not New York until they make teleportation devices commercially available. Maybe I'll even get to see the world's first genetically engineered flying pig.

I shall name it Squishee and he shall be mine!!

Internet, it is freezing in suburbia land. We have about two feet of snow and if I open the door, I can feel icicles forming on my extremities. Even though I may sound like I'm complaining, I'm not really. I say this fondly because the feeling of freezing to death outside is a bit nostalgic. Being home is indeed a good thing.

Especially because I've forgotten how much fun it is to hang around my dear mother. Yes. Fun. You did just read that correctly. Now I'm definitely not best friends with my mother, so its not fun in that sense. It's fun to hang out with her because it is just incredibly entertaining to put her into situations where she is forced to talk about sex. I know this sounds weird because no one likes the sex talk with their parents but...let me explain. She NEVER gave me the sex talk. Her version of it was, "ABSTINENCE" and then she shoved her fingers into her ears and went "LA LA LA" very loudly. This woman just does not want to talk about sex. I swear, if I wasn't old and a Biology major, her answer to the question "Where do Babies come from?" would be something like, "Well....you see, babies come when two people fall in love and..magic. OH LOOK THERE ARE DEER OUTSIDE. I WONDER WHAT THEY ARE EATING. LOUDLY DO I WONDER ABOUT IT."  None of this, by the way is an exaggeration.

Recently, I had the pleasure of putting her into one of those delightful situations. We were in the car, and the radio was on. I believe it was some loud electric guitar concoction and my mother said, "Kids have horrible taste in music these days." I asked her about her preferred taste in music and she said she liked listening to Korean ballads. Personally I don't really like listening to ballads of the Korean variety because all of the songs sound exactly the same but I politely nodded and asked if she liked one of the recent-ish ballad, "Like I got shot by a Gun" by Baek Ji Young. No! She said. Something about the graphic imagery made her feel uncomfortable. (Come to think of it, this may explain why she refuses to talk about sex. SHE HAS A DIRTY MIND.) She then continued, "Baek Ji Young also had that major scandal...." before she trailed off into silence.

Internet, this immediately rang several happy bells in my head as, for those of you that don't know, Baek Ji Young's scandal involved a sextape. I HAD to know what my dear mother would have to say about this. "What scandal?" I asked her innocently. An odd look flashed across my mother's face before she said, "Well it's only a rumor, there's no point in talking about rumors right?" My mother wasn't going to get off that easily so I persisted. "Well just tell me what the rumor is then. What does it involve?" She hesitated and then said...."Well...there were...photographs taken of her and her...boyfriend." Internet, unless you were living on a planet where being with a boyfriend was illegal then I don't know how this could even begin to sound scandalous. Evidently my mother had the same thought because she quickly changed her statement to "her and her boyfriends." All I can say is wow.

Quick Update...

Internet I have returned to the interwebs!! I hope all of you had an excellent Christmas/holiday and I hope you have all successfully bribed Santa into bringing you extravagant gifts this year.

I shall return to update you all further.
But in the meantime... bed.

Suburbia! (without a car): Adventures in a Foreign Land

Internet, it has been a while since I have made my triumphant return to NYC. So why didn't I say anything about this? Well, the unfriendly reality is... finals are fast approaching and school has basically kept me from updating this blog for a few days. Actually, what really kept me from updating this blog was the fact that (like a true procrastinatrice) I got no work done over thanksgiving break. Why you might ask? Because I was once again, a naive fool. Let me explain. Being home in suburbia land and also being car-less is the equivalent of house arrest which usually leads to doing work purely because there is nothing else to do besides watch the wind blow leaves around in the backyard. Quality Entertainment just like the pilgrims had!

But this break... I spent entirely too much time outside in the freezing cold away from my beloved centrally heated house. It was actually sort of like the entire planet was scheming against my rare desire to be productive. Seriously, I'd be like, "Mama Raptress. I beg thee pardon for today I must study."
FOOLISH FOOL! She would snarl back at me. YOU HAVE RELATIVES IN CANADA YOU MUST VISIT.

Internet, I had no idea I had relatives in Canada-land. I would like to know why I have never been informed of this fact and why they have so conveniently popped up out of no-where. "And while we are in Canada," Mama Raptress continued, "We shall do things. TOURISTY THINGS."

I have to confess something here. I am so against doing touristy things because it will inevitably involve going to see Niagara Falls. Internet, I am tired of the falls. Sure it's an amazing landmark and you do gape at the massive drop for a bit but the novelty kind of wears off....oh about.....THE THOUSANDTH TIME YOU SEE IT. Internet, I have seen the falls in the spring, summer, fall, winter and without its underwear on. It has gotten to the point where the falls should really consider filing a restraining order against me for blatant voyeurism.

I should stop ranting about this however. The falls are quite nice (the first time), and if you get the chance to see it, do it from Canada-land as the view is much better from there. Around this time of the year,  they put up a bunch of Christmas lights to make the falls look more festive and less like a potential death trap. Pictures were taken by my new(!) camera and hopefully the quality has improved significantly for your enjoyment.

This is a shot of the falls when there were no lights shining on them and as you can see (or maybe not) there is a lot of water.

FESTIVE MULTICOLORED WATER!! Be amazed by the power of gravity!

I guess I should also mention something obligatory about the CN tower which we also saw.

Personally I have been desensitized to tall phallic buildings after spending 4 years in NYC.

I suppose it was kind of interesting meeting my relative in Canada-land, seeing the falls for the millionth time and seeing Disney shaped Christmas lights. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: The highest form of entertainment in all of suburbia!!

Be awed.

Suburbia! (without a car): The Third Installment, Black Friday Madness

Though I am a few days behind in posting this, I would like to say a belated Happy Black Friday! I hope all of you survived shopping mall armageddon with minimal bruising or battle scars. For all my distaste for suburbia land, I will say one thing nice about it. Shopping Malls. Or on Black Friday, contained boxing rings. Everything that people say about humans being the most developed and civilized organisms on the planet goes straight to hell on Black Friday but at least in the suburbs, it stays inside one nice plot of land. Makes the clean up much easier or something.

Actually, I should be more specific so I don't make all of the denizens of Not New York, NY sound crazy. It's not the entire shopping mall that goes insane, just the people in electronics stores. It starts out kind of innocently, you know, you plan on buying all the marginally cheaper merchandise you need. You step inside though and you see the crazy mass of people who got up an hour earlier than you. That's when you start panicking because...what if..(horror of horrors) your future purchases aren't there anymore? THANKSGIVING WOULD BE RUINED! All those calories in your thighs were for nothing!! You start running over to the appropriate aisle, praying fervently your future stuff is still there. It's not. It's at this moment then that you're like  you're like screw the plans! I must buy anything that is cheaper than it was 24 hours ago. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY THANKSGIVING COULD STILL HAVE MEANING. (Of course you justify this by pretending they could be christmas presents or something)  And then later, since you've been already standing in a ridiculously long line, you start thinking...BUY EVERYTHING! KILL ALL WHO STAND IN THE WAY! And that Internet, is the stream-of-consciousness of someone who walked out of Best Buy on Black Friday with 3 unnecessarily large flat screen TV's.

On the other hand, I have finally retired my ancient grandpa camera with a new one which I ended up purchasing in my revised picture of hell: Best Buys run by the not-so-bright on Black Friday. Let me explain. I was pretty lucky and my camera was still there when I got to the mall. Not so luckily, there were already people there at 4AM and the line was MASSIVE. So far this is all sounding normal for Black Friday. Now, for the ridiculous part. There was only ONE cash register open for anyone purchasing cameras. ONE. I actually have no words for this. I'm struggling to find them but I can't. Instead, I present you with a visual of what my face may have looked like at that moment complete with inappropriate caption!