And Now, Legality

To butcher a Jane Austen quote, it is a truth universally acknowledged that in every college class there must be one poor bastard who shows up looking slightly more ridiculous than usual. You will immediately recognize these people because they will usually meet one or a mix of the following criteria:

1) Disheveled or unwashed hair
2) Mismatched clothing
3) Smeared make up (Now applies to both boys and girls!)

However, what immediately gives these people away is the reek of last night that follows them around like a unwanted cloud of perfumed ass and beer.  E'au de yesterdays mistakes. Sounds like a best seller! So when these delightful people are around, you go to class, but really, its like you're going to a bar instead which explains your sudden unexplainable urge to drink apple martinis.

Usually I watch these people from afar but Internet today, I was that person. When I got up this afternoon the first thing I thought was the fundamental question asked by inebriated college students everywhere: WHY is it so difficult to stand up? That should have been the sign to stay at home. I did not stay at home. Being a super awesome Asian I actually went to class. Nothing can stand in the way of getting an education! Even if that obstacle is me! Funny thing is, I was delusional enough to think maybe no one would notice if I tried really hard to look presentable. WRONG. I should have realized this when the guy I sat next to started to slowly migrate his belongings to the next seat over.

At this point you may be thinking... Today is Columbus Day so you shouldn't have had class you lying verbose Jezebel! So let me first clear up that misunderstanding by explaining how NYU operates.

On the rare occasion that NYU peeks its nose up from bookkeeping its growing real estate business and remembers its secondary venture as an educational institution, NYU goes, 'Oh shit! We actually have to fulfill a quota of school days to receive our tax benefits!' They then presumably looked at the calendar and made a youtube worthy 'Oh Fuck' face because they realized...they were short by just one day. What can be done to remedy this terrible situation?!

Now this is how I imagine this went down. In a giant conference room with an obnoxiously long oak table that seats twenty people, two men went through a master list of solutions. Now they can't exactly add one more day before Christmas because we already have exams until Christmas Eve's Eve. So they realized...if the only reason class would not be held is because of holidays, the only solution is to ERASE A HOLIDAY. Now the issue is.... which one? Thanksgiving? Columbus Day? Christmas? Ah,  the decisions!

I think we can all see how it went from there. They couldn't get rid of Thanksgiving because that would be un-American and un-patriotic. Both of these things are very bad for NYU's future presidential campaign. NYU 2010! No longer just a graduating class! They couldn't get rid of Christmas /Hanukkah/ Kwanzaa because all hell fire would be unleashed because then no one would be home to receive presents! Or observe the religious event whichever euphemism for "we don't want to work for a week" works better.  So really, by simple process of elimination, Columbus Day got the axe. They wouldn't say that though. They'd credit it to going green somehow.